Chicago, IL
May 26, 2014
Memorial Day Weekend- We returned to Chicago for a baby shower. We had to fly up on Kellisa's birthday and a tram ride at the airport, two flights and a rental car shuttle bus ride to Kellisa is better than any wrapped presents. We did not feel bad for traveling on her birthday. However, we did feel bad for traveling while Kellisa was sick. She had been fighting a fever for a week and already made two visits to her pediatrician's office. Nothing obvious was wrong and they gave the green light for the trip.
Kellisa was able to attend the baby shower, but spent most of the weekend sleeping in a hotel room. We had to cancel several plans to allow Kellisa the time to rest. She woke up on Memorial Day with a little energy after sleeping 14 straight hours. Unable to see family in the couple of hours before our flight home, we debated one of the plans we canceled. We had the idea of taking the girls to Rush to visit the NICU where Kellisa spent the first 113 days of her life.
Even with a fever, we were confident that Kellisa wasn't contagious and we knew we wouldn't get close to the infants, so we decided to stop by Rush on our way to the airport. We knew it would be emotional as this was our first visit back to Rush in 14 years. Our last visit was in 2000 for their annual preemie picnic.
Rush is a huge campus with many buildings and considerable construction has taken place in the last 14 years. That said, running on instinct, we parked in the correct garage and rode the elevator to the skywalk that connects to one of the hospital buildings. We found the hospital significantly remodeled and updated, yet strangely familiar. Without thinking, we started making our way through the vast hallways, turning left, left and then a right and so on before we found ourselves at the "E" elevators. Laurel pushed up and when we got on the elevator, we just knew to ask Laurel to push 6.
The elevator doors opened on the 6th floor and that's when we were hit with a wall of emotions. We exited to a small waiting room that was unexpectedly empty. It was in this room that I called Lisa's mom and my dad to get there as soon as possible because their granddaughters were just born by emergency c-section.
To our left was the door that led to the hallway with the NICU units. We could see the nurses station through a window and it too was empty. This is where parents would get buzzed in to enter the NICU area. I pushed on the doors and they opened to a deserted hospital wing. There was a sign that the NICU had moved to a different building.
Even though we were the only ones there and many years had passed, everything looked the same. With a little hesitation to gather our emotions, we were able to walk in the actual NICU unit that welcomed Kellisa and Kirsten on May 23, 1999. The sinks where we scrubbed for three minutes hundreds of times before putting on hospital gowns were still there and we explained the process to the girls. We proceeded down the hall and turned left to enter the room reserved for the most medically fragile babies. The room where Kellisa spent her first 6 weeks and Kirsten spent her 27 hours.
Immediately, we remembered exactly which stations were the girls. We talked in code because Laurel is not yet aware of Kirsten. Several minutes were spent with teary eyes and deep reflections of just how far Kellisa has come. The room was mostly empty, but there were a few reclining chairs which brought me back to the day when Kellisa coded on my bare chest while I was holding her. It took several doctors and many nurses 45 frantic minutes of working on Kellisa to stabilize her enough to move her from my chest back to the incubator to continue saving her.
Then we saw the room within the room where Kellisa spent a day or two after her first surgery. The surgery was on her heart and she spent time in this room with several nurses dedicated to watching her non-stop.
The pictures below show Kellisa in the exact spot of her first bed space, followed by Laurel joining her and then a picture of Kellisa from 1999 in her space:
We left the first room and walked down the hall past a plaque with the names of the "Nurses of the Quarter". We immediately recognized several names. We then looked through a door to the nurses break room where we had cake the day Kellisa was discharged.
Then we entered the room where Kellisa spent approximately four weeks. This was the room that Kellisa graduated up to once she was removed from the ventilator and proved that she was just a little more stable than some of the other babies.
Again, we remembered everything like it happened last week, including her exact station and the area where she was given her first real bath. Then we remembered the little girl (her name ever came back to us instantly) next to Kellisa in this room. The girl who was healthy, just a little small. She was there to grow a little before being released. Unfortunately, she was born to young and selfish parents who rarely visited and when they did visit, they fought over this precious little girl.
One day we left for lunch or dinner and when we returned, Kellisa's neighbor was gone. We were excited because we figured that she graduated to the next room which was the final step before going home. Sadly, this was not the case. This little girl didn't have the fight within her to continue and just passed away. We're convinced that she didn't feel like she was loved or had any reason to fight and live because of the instability and fighting of her parents.
Below is a picture of Kellisa at her old station followed by a picture with Laurel and then a picture at the same spot from 1999:
After leaving the second room, we walked down the hall and couldn't get in the third and final room where Kellisa spent some time. The room where we slept for 16 weeks was also locked.
Kellisa's third and final bed space followed by the chairs we slept in for 16 weeks:
We almost didn't make this visit and we are so thankful that we did because I'm sure this is valuable hospital real estate and will be remodeled into something else in the near future preventing us from ever returning and reliving 1999 again. Time will tell, but I also think this was good for Laurel to see. She did follow the visit with 8 hours of non-stop questions not only about Kellisa, but about herself as well. Including, but not limited to: she wants to see the place where she was born. (Stay tuned for that story in the near future).
Laurel did say a few touching things. At one point, she had tears in her eyes and said, "I don't want Kellisa to be sick and live in the hospital". We explained that Kellisa was there a long time ago and she understood. She was just very sad that Kellisa was ever so sick.
Then at another point, Laurel said, "I want Kellisa to walk like me and not need her wheelchair". We then explained that Kellisa will always need a wheelchair and that is who Kellisa is. Laurel started crying because she was feeling so sad for Kellisa.
It was a heavy afternoon...
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